


Congratulations

by SquishyCool



Category: iCarly
Genre: Best Friends, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Marriage, Songfic, lovers to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 00:47:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10910874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquishyCool/pseuds/SquishyCool
Summary: Years after high school, Carly takes her last chance to tell Sam the truth. Based on the Blue October ft. Imogen Heap song, "Congratulations".*Nominated for a 2008 UFO Award*





	1. Prologue: Invitations

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FFN on 12.3.2008.  
> This story is set around 2015.

**Prologue: Invitations**   


I didn't expect to get an invitation. After all, I hadn't talked to you in a while. But when I pulled the mail out of my mailbox and went through the stack, the lacy, bundled up card caught my attention pretty quickly. It was a pale yellow, the front of it decorated with a lace bow and Script letters reading, "You're Invited…"

I have to admit, my heart pounded a little faster. My curiosity peaked, and I quickly hurried back to my apartment, not even bothering to glance at the other envelopes I'd received – just bills, as usual. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I walked to the couch, tossing the other pieces of mail onto it carelessly, my eyes still glued to the lacy invitation. I knew what it was, I just didn't know who it was from. Perhaps a wrong address? I didn't know.

My fingers slipped under the lace and slowly pulled, being gentle so as to preserve the obviously expensive invitation, and I flipped open the card. There was more fancy Script and a few little decorations – wedding bells and a tiny bride and groom, as well as a few doves scattered around the edges – and I immediately noticed my name at the top. With curious eyes, I read:

_Carly Shay,_

_You are cordially invited to celebrate_  
_the wedding of_  
_Samantha Puckett_  
_and_  
_Ryan L. Sloan_

 _on_  
_Saturday afternoon_  
_May the twenty-third_  
_at two o'clock_  
_at Seattle First Baptist Church_  
_Eleven-eleven Harvard Avenue_  
_followed by a reception_

 _Please R.S.V.P._  
_by_  
_March the first_

The rest of the invitation gave addresses and information to R.S.V.P. I stared in awe, almost unable to comprehend what I was reading. Was that the Samantha Puckett I knew…? And who was Ryan Sloan?

I turned the lacy card over and over in my shaking hands. The back had more fancy Script, reading, "We hope to see you!" I still didn't fully understand. I guess I was in shock.

First of all, I hadn't really talked to you since I'd left Seattle. I moved to Vancouver after we graduated to attend college, even though I had a scholarship to a school in New York, I wanted to stay close to my brother and my best friends. However, at the last minute, you got a scholarship – don't ask me how, because I was just as shocked – to go to a really good college in Texas, and then Freddie broke it to us that he was going to Harvard. It was just how things turned out, how they were meant to be. None of us liked it much, but we knew by then it was too late to change our plans. We had adults with high expectations pushing us and pressuring us to go to these colleges. Eventually, our friendship just got pushed to the bottom of our list of priorities.

I mean, we tried to stay in touch. Yeah, I remember the hours of phone conversations and text messages and IM's between all three of us. But I also remember how they slowly dwindled away, how those hours turned into just a couple of hours, then just about an hour a day, and then maybe not even an hour every few days, until it was just a text message or an awkward IM every couple of months saying, "hey, how are you?" Finally, we just sort of gave up. We got distracted with our own lives and our own futures, and we lost touch with each other.

It hurt. I'm not going to lie: I missed you terribly. I even missed Freddie. And on drunken nights, I went back and watched old videos on our long-forgotten iCarly website, crying at how you and I laughed together and joked, and listening to your voice to try to keep it close to me. Sometimes, though, I'd forget to remember you. I felt guilty. I called Spencer on numerous occasions for comfort, but for some reason, he tried to avoid the subject of you, and he tried to keep my mind off of you and Freddie altogether. I think he was just looking out for the best for me, knowing that I couldn't dwell on lost friendships, and that I had to move on with life and accept things and the way they changed.

But you were my best friend. You'll _always_ be my best friend.

I called Spencer after I'd calmed myself down from reading the invitation. I told him about it, trying to hold back the tears.

"I-I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, let alone a guy that wanted to marry her!" I whined into the phone.

Spencer sighed. "I know, Carls. I mean, I guess she still cares about you and considers you a friend, even if you don't talk anymore. Maybe… maybe you should go to it. It is her wedding. That's a pretty big thing…"

I nodded, trying to steady my breathing. "I know, I know… It's a _huge_ thing."

"Yeah. I bet you never imagined Sam would get married, huh?" Spencer joked, trying to lighten the mood.

I smiled. "I always knew she would… She's so beautiful. It was just that no one ever took the time to get to know her for who she really is; the way me and you and Freddie know her."

"I know," Spencer mumbled, not joking anymore. "That guy's really lucky to have her…"

I closed my eyes and imagined your face the last time I'd seen it – your blonde hair tied back in a messy ponytail, and a weak smile on your face. Before you turned and got into your car, you pulled me into a hug, and you held me so close and so tight. I held you just as tightly, never wanting to let go. I breathed in the smell of you, and tried to imagine life without you. I couldn't.

Yet here I was, living my life without you. And I didn't like it. I never found another best friend like Sam Puckett.

And that day, I watched your car drive away until I couldn't see it anymore. I cried, and I remember how the back of your car looked through tears. I didn't know you were leaving me for good.

There was a silence on the phone, with only Spencer's breathing there to calm me.

"I miss her so much, Spence…"

"I know, Carls… I know. So do I," he muttered back.

After much debate and many more tear-stained pillows, I decided to go. I had to go. How could I miss my best friend's wedding?

I wondered who your maid of honor would be…

By the end of February, I'd already called to R.S.V.P. and I even bought a dress. It wasn't anything flashy or expensive, but I thought it was me, and I hoped I would still look like the old Carly you knew when you saw me in it. I spent hours in front of the mirror trying it out, as well as trying out different makeup and different hairstyles. Doing all of this made me nostalgic, and I ended up going through boxes in the back of my closet, finding old pictures of us. There was one of all of us – me, you, Freddie, and Spencer – in the iCarly studio. Holding tears back, I brought it out and stuck it in the frame of my mirror, gazing at it for a few moments before wiping tears away. I smiled, realizing I was going to see you again in just a few months. I was so excited.

Slowly, the weeks rolled by. March was finally gone, then April, then those last few weeks of May. Finally, the weekend of the wedding was only days away. I took a week off of work (which I really couldn't afford, but I'd worry about that later), and headed back to Seattle, staying with Spencer for the days I'd be there. It was odd being back in the loft, seeing as I'd only visited on holidays and birthdays since I'd moved out. Spencer turned the iCarly studio into a showroom for all of his sculptures, and gave my room to his daughter. (Yes, that little baby, Sadie, that Spencer had become a single dad to when I was a senior was now grown into an adorable little girl, who I still loved to death.)

I was quiet for most of my time in the loft. I was more nervous than anything, anxiety setting in on me like a dark cloud. The dress felt tighter every time I tried it on, and I looked older each time I gazed in the mirror. I wondered if you'd recognize me.

But what I wondered more was whether you'd talk to me.

I arrived at the church an hour early. I found a parking spot about a block away. My hands shook with nervousness as I reached for my door handle, so I stopped. I sat back and took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. I pictured you, and how you looked the last time I saw you. I wondered how different you'd look now.

I reached across and opened my glove box, reaching inside and grabbing the picture on top of the pile of papers and napkins. I pulled it out, shutting the glove box, and looked at it for about the millionth time that weekend. I held back the tears with force, not wanting to ruin my makeup. I'd spent two hours getting ready, which was not normal for me.

Finally, I stuffed the picture under my visor and opened my car door, getting out and pressing the 'lock' button. The alarm beeped at me, startling me. I was so shaky, and I didn't quite understand why. True, I hadn't seen you for about three years, but still…

Oh, who was I kidding? I was scared and excited and nervous all at the same time to see my best friend again… A thought came to my mind as I was walking down the street, my mind miles away from my body.

 _What if she has a new best friend?_ I asked myself. _She probably replaced me ages ago…_

It made my heart thump a little harder and a little lower, but I tried to push the thought from my head. I'd just have to get used to the way things were, even if they were terribly different. I reminded myself: things change, people change, life goes on, and everything turns out the way it was meant to be. Or at least that's what I liked to believe.

When I reached the crowd outside the church, I almost got lost. There were tons of people there, and I didn't know a single one of them. I recognized your mom up on the steps, smoking a cigarette and looking less than pleased. She'd aged even more since the last time I saw her, and I was a little surprised she'd even bothered to attend your wedding.

The large crowd was slowly filing in through the church doors, people often stopping to greet or talk to someone. I grew more and more impatient, feeling more and more nauseous as the minutes passed and I wasn't securely in a seat. I just wanted to get inside, sit down at the back, and try to calm myself down. Relaxing was impossible in this crowd.

After what seemed like an eternity amongst people I didn't know and too much perfume around me, I finally got inside and was allowed to the seating. I eyed the room carefully, searching for any clue as to where you were. I knew, though, that you wouldn't be out there yet. You were most likely still getting ready.

My eyes quickly scanned around me, wanting to find a good seat as soon as possible. The pews were already filling up, families sitting together and little kids squirming around. A baby cried from one of the front pews. I walked along the right edge of the aisle, staying close to the pews and keeping my eyes on the seats. I didn't want to be clear at the back, but I didn't want to be very close to the front. I chose the fourth pew from the back. It was fairly empty, so I walked a little past the middle of it, squeezing between it and the back of the pew in front of it, and sat down carefully, setting my purse down next to me. Now, as I looked around, I realized I should've brought someone with me – one of my guy friends, at least. I was sure I stuck out like a sore thumb, sitting there all alone.

As I sat there, the minutes seemed to move by quicker than I expected. The pews steadily filled up with what looked to be some of your family and a lot of your husband-to-be's family. It appeared he came from money. I also saw a lot of people I didn't know who were all about the same age as us. I assumed they were the friends you'd made after you left for college.

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice any of the people who sat down in front of me. When the man sitting in front of me turned around, he caught the corner of my eye and I looked back at him. His eyes lit up.

"Freddie?"

"Carly!" he smiled, showing his bright white teeth. "I didn't know you'd be here."

I shrugged, smiling back at him. "Of course… Like I'd miss my best friend's wedding?"

It was like old times, and all of the memories came flooding back to me. It made me want to break down and cry right there.

The woman sitting next to Freddie turned around, and I saw it was an older Mrs. Benson. She smiled, her eyes lighting up like Freddie's did when she saw me. "Hi there, Carly! How are you?"

I smiled at her. "Hi, Mrs. Benson. I'm all right. I haven't seen either of you in ages!"

"I know," Freddie said. "It's pretty crazy. I haven't been back to Washington in a while. My mom always drives up to see me – "

"Well, Fredward, I don't want you driving that far all by yourself. You know it's not safe on those highways anymore – "

"Okay, Mother! Thank you. We know," Freddie cut his mom off, looking annoyed. She sighed and shook her head, turning back to face the front.

Freddie rolled his eyes at me, then jokingly smiled. "Yeah, so how's life been? You still in Vancouver?"

I nodded. "Yeah. It's been all right, I guess. I've just been so busy. How's Harvard?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, like Harvard was just any ordinary college. "Eh, it has its ups and downs. You know… Sam said it was perfect 'cause now I'm surrounded by nerds like me twenty-four/seven."

I giggled. "Yep, that sounds like Sam."

I was so glad to hear that at least that part of you hadn't changed.

"You still visit your brother in Seattle?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah, but mostly just on holidays and birthdays. Sadie's getting really big, you should see her now. She's so different from when we left."

"I bet," Freddie commented. "So are you gonna be getting married next? Or are you still playing all the guys like you did in high school?"

I rolled my eyes as he smirked. "Please… I don't have time for that anymore. I'm always working and doing homework."

"You can't tell me you haven't met any guys yet that you're interested in," he said lowly.

What I wanted to say to that was, "None of them compare to the one person I do want…" But I didn't. Instead, I said, "I didn't say that. Just that I don't have time for anyone. I'm still young, Fredward. I've got all the time in the world to be doing this marriage thing."

He was about to say something else, but the wedding music started and cut him off. He glanced over, seeing everyone had taken their seats and the wedding was about to begin.

"I'll talk to you at the reception, okay?" he quickly said.

I nodded in agreement, and he turned back around, eyes on the aisle.

I glanced up to the front of the aisle and eyed the row of people, girls on one side and guys on the other. The groom stood patiently waiting, his eyes steady set on the doors at the other end of the aisle in front of him. He was handsome, and his perfect teeth were set in an anxious but calm smile. He had blonde hair and flawless skin, about the same shade as I remembered yours being. He was handsome; I'd give him that. But he didn't look like your type.

He looked nice, though, and caring, not like a jock or a pompous ass or some stuck-up rich boy, so that made me feel better. I trusted your judgement. I knew you would never marry a guy that didn't treat you right.

I turned my head to stare at the doors, waiting anxiously with everyone else for the bride to appear. My heart thumped in my chest, and my palms started sweating. I prayed you would be the same Sam I missed.

Finally, the doors slowly opened, and the flower girl appeared, doing her part and then joining the rest at the front. The best man and maid of honor came out, arms linked, and walked down the aisle to join the others at the front as well. I didn't recognize either of them, and I guessed they were your new friends. My heart dropped a little at the sight of the maid of honor.

Then, you slowly appeared. As you walked down the aisle, your dress trailed behind you, the white of it glimmering in the sunlight from the church windows. It was a grand dress, detailed and perfected to fit every curve of your body. It was obviously expensive, and I guessed that neither you nor your family had paid for it. Your arm was linked with an older man – your dad? Had he gotten out of prison already?

You looked so happy. Your face, still that soft, milky white, glowed, your smile lighting up your blue eyes. Your blonde hair was partly put up in a fancy bun, and partly let down to rest on your shoulders. Your veil wasn't the traditional kind to cover your face, but it rested on the back of your hair and down part of your back.

But your face was still the same. It was still Sam Puckett, and it made my heart ache with every slow step you took.

You turned your head to each side to smile at everyone, and when I saw you turn in my direction, our eyes caught each other's for just a moment. They locked, and I saw the surprise light up on your face, but your smile stayed plastered on. However, I thought I saw it grow just slightly. I smiled back at you weakly, and then, like that, you turned away and kept moving on, heading toward your future husband and your new life.

I don't know how, but I held back the tears through the entire ceremony. The knot in my throat, though, threatened to choke the very life out of me.

Hours later, the ceremony had ended and the church had emptied. Everyone was urged to join the reception at another location – a larger building I'd only been to a few times in my entire time in Seattle. I had hoped to get a chance to at least talk to you after the ceremony, but you'd disappeared with your new husband before the church was even half empty. So, I joined the rest of the crowd and filed out of the church, walking down the block to my car and getting in.

I still forced myself to hold back the tears, this time from nervousness. I prayed I'd get to see you at the reception and talk to you. My entire attendance would be wasted if I didn't at least get that much.

I made it to the building where the reception was held about a half hour after it had started. I had stopped at a convenience store and killed time trying to calm myself down. I didn't want to show up early or on time. I preferred to miss the toasts to the newlyweds…

However, when I slipped through the large doors quietly and into the big room, packed full of guests, it was right in the middle of Freddie's speech. I grimaced and tried to ignore it, not wanting to hear it. It was hard enough to keep from crying as it was. However, by the time I'd made it to an empty seat at a lone table near the back, a few of his sentences had snuck into my ears, and now I couldn't stop listening. He was talking about growing up with you and fighting with you all the time, but also loving you as a friend at the same time and knowing he'd never be able to forget you. Then, of course, he spoke of this new husband, who he apparently had known for a while now.

"…and Ryan…. Dude. I dunno what to say, except congratulations. You've got an amazing woman here, and I know you guys will last. I've had a good feeling about you since the day I met you. I know Sam will get everything she deserves," Freddie's voice echoed through the room, emitting from the speakers.

I saw him look at you and wink, then smile back at the crowd and hand the mic back to the best man, whoever he was, before sitting back down. I saw you smile back at him before turning to your husband and kissing him. I winced.

I missed my best friend…

The bride and groom's first dance seemed to last an eternity. The room was dimmed for it and "your song" was played. I tried to keep my eyes glued to the drink in front of me, spinning the cup on the table surface and getting lost in my own thoughts. I debated giving up and leaving early, but something kept me there, almost unable to walk out of that room before talking to you.

When everyone else started dancing and conversing, I remained at my empty table, trying to look like I was busy on my cell phone so no one would come over and try to be nice or something. Freddie, however, couldn't resist bothering me, and he was soon at the empty chair across the table, pulling it out and sitting down, breathless. He grinned.

"That was pretty fun. Everyone was dancing to 'Shout'… Gah, half of Sam's family is already drunk!" he laughed.

I gave a weak half-smile, glancing up at him for just a moment before looking back down at the table. I knew I seemed solemn, but I felt so out-of-place being there.

"What's wrong, Carls?" Freddie suddenly inquired, concern in his voice.

I looked up, surprised. "You haven't called me that in years," I commented, chuckling.

He smiled. "Yeah… but what's wrong? Why do you seem so down? Shouldn't you be happy? I mean, _Sam's_ married! You should go talk to her at least."

I nodded, not looking up. "Yeah… I don't wanna bother her."

"C'mon, Carly… she invited you. She wanted you to be here really badly. She told me about it, and about how worried she was that she'd get your invitation back in the mail or something, or that you just wouldn't R.S.V.P. She wants to talk to you. She misses you."

I paused, raising my head. "She does?"

He nodded. "Of course! You're still her best friend… You always have been."

I frowned, about to look down at the table, when movement caught the corner of my eye: I saw you sneaking out the back door of the large room, holding up your over-sized, white wedding dress. You were sneaking outside. Now was my chance.

"You're right, Freddie," I said, my eyes glued to the door that had just fallen closed. "Thanks."

"Yeah…" he replied as I got up and left the table, fast-walking to the back door.

I glanced around with my hand on the door handle, making sure no one was looking. I didn't want some awkward relatives coming over and trying to make conversation. Everyone's attention seemed to be on the cake and the dancing, so I opened the door and slipped outside, shutting it behind me. When I turned around, I noticed it was a patio area, most likely used for dining outside, with empty tables scattered about. Clear to the left side of the patio, I spotted your white wedding dress, and the back of your silhouette against the sunset.

I took a few cautious steps toward you, then stopped. You didn't turn around or even seem to notice me. You seemed to be lost in your own world, staring off at the sunset and the darkening sky. I took a few more steps, and then quietly walked over to your table. I stopped at the edge, next to an empty seat that sat to the right of you.

"Sam?"

**to be continued…**


	2. Congratulations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nominated for a 2008 UFO Award.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Paragraphs in italics are lyrics from the song "Congratulations" by Blue October ft. Imogen Heap.

**Congratulations**   


_Is that seat taken?_  
_Congratulations,_  
_Would you like to take a walk with me?_

Your head whipped around to face me, and as soon as our eyes met, your face lit up. You smiled. "Carly…"

I gave a weak half-smile back, then gestured to the chair I was standing next to. "Is that seat taken?"

You quickly shook your head. "No, please, sit down… I can't believe you made it. I'm so glad."

I nodded, nervous. "Yeah… Congratulations."

"Thanks," you replied quietly, watching me expectantly with those blue eyes.

"I didn't even know you were engaged," I said, giving a nervous laugh.

You shrugged. "Yeah, I… know we didn't really keep in touch. And I'm sorry about that. Freddie's really the only one of my high school friends I talk to anymore. I had to call your brother to get your address."

I watched you, sure that my eyes were revealing my sadness. "We weren't high school friends, though… We were best friends, since like, second grade."

You looked down shamefully. "I know…"

We were both silent for an awkward moment, not sure of what to say next. Should we apologize, reminisce, or try to make awkward small talk?

You suddenly broke the silence by blurting out, "I had a baby."

I froze and stared at you for a moment, trying to imagine you with a big belly, walking around, picking out baby clothes. "You… you did?"

You nodded. "Just a few months ago. I got pregnant a few weeks after Ryan proposed… She's here, but I think Ryan's mom is watching her. She might've left by now."

My eyes were wide now, unable to absorb this information. "You had a baby girl?"

You nodded again. "I… named her Shay."

You smiled weakly, and I smiled back, feeling a warmth inside at the thought of you naming your baby after me and Spencer's last name. "That's awesome, Sam… Congratulations, again. Wow, I wish you would've told me you were pregnant…"

You shrugged, your smile fading. "I didn't tell anyone, really… Freddie didn't even know until I was almost due."

"Hm," I made a sound of interest, not sure of what to say to this. You'd had a baby and named it after my last name, but didn't feel the need to get a hold of me and tell me?

"Her and Ryan are my world. They're so amazing… I don't think I've ever loved two people more than I love them," you explained, giving me a proud half-smile.

I nodded, thinking of me, Spencer, and Freddie, and our days back in middle and high school. "That's good. I'm really happy for you, Sam."

"Thanks…" you replied shakily.

There was another awkward silence as I tried to soak in all this information and register it. I wondered if the baby I'd heard crying in the church was yours… Now it was going to be really difficult to do this… you had a husband _and_ a baby. What did I have? I could throw everything away at a moment's notice, but you couldn't. You had too much in your life now.

"You wanna go for a walk with me?" I asked spontaneously.

Your head perked up and looked at me surprisingly. "Y-yeah, sure."

 _My mind, it kind of goes fast_  
_I try to slow it down for you_  
_I think I'd love to take a drive_  
_I want to give you something_  
_I've been wanting to give to you for years…_  
_My heart_

Within minutes, we found ourselves walking casually down the side street next to the building. It was quiet and almost deserted, being so close to a small, suburban neighborhood. The streetlights were coming on, and we stayed close to the curb, but still stayed next to each either, our arms bumping every now and then. It made my heart skip every time.

You held your dress up as you walked, your high heels clicking on the pavement. I had taken my heels off and was carrying them in one hand, not caring if my feet got dirty. The warm pavement felt good on the soles of my feet, and I already knew I would be taking a long, hot shower when I got home. I would also be washing my clothes. I wanted to get rid of that church/cake/dancing old people smell as soon as possible.

"So, I'm really glad you came," you started off, still nervous.

I nodded. "Yeah, why wouldn't I? Your marriage is definitely one I couldn't miss."

"I'll take that as a compliment," you said, looking over at me and smirking. I laughed.

"I saw your marriage announcement in the paper at my brother's," I commented. "You looked really happy… I had to come see my best friend. You looked the happiest I've ever seen you."

You nodded. "I am. I'm so happy, Carls…"

I smiled again at the sound of the old nickname. Spencer didn't even call me that very often anymore. I guess he saw me as more grown-up and was afraid I'd be upset if he continued calling me Carls like he did when I was in middle school.

"And we _are_ still best friends, huh?"

The question caught me off-guard. I glanced over quickly, my smile fading. "Well… you'll always be mine. That can't change. I hate that we drifted so far apart, but I guess it's just part of growing up."

I hated admitting this. I wanted to just get in my car and drive away. I wanted to go back to Vancouver; I wanted to take that long drive and get as far away from you as possible. I couldn't handle this. It was hurting too badly, knowing we felt different. You'd never know how I really felt, or how much I truly missed you.

"It doesn't have to be," you mumble sadly.

I don't say anything to this, knowing you're right. But there's nothing we can do about it now. I can feel it – I know that we can't have the same friendship as we did before. Simply too much has changed and we just became two different people. We had our own lives to worry about… some more progressed than others.

 _My heart, my pain won't cover up_  
_You left me…_  
_My heart won't take this cover up_  
_You left me…_

I couldn't lie to myself, though: it hurt. It hurt more than anything. I didn't like letting you go, and I didn't like moving on without you.

But like they say, if you really love something, you'll set it free.

 _I came to see the light in my best friend_  
_You seemed as happy as you'd ever been_  
_My chance of being open was broken_  
_And now you're Mrs. Him._

We walked on in silence, that awkwardness hanging between us. I felt like stopping and wrapping my arms around you and holding you as tight as I could. I felt like bursting into tears right in front of you. I had so much I wanted to tell you… but knew I never could.

"I love you, Sam," I said softly, my eyes staring down at the ground in front of me.

"I love you, too, Carls," you said back without a second thought. We'd said it so many times years prior. I had promised myself I'd tell you how much I _really_ loved you one day.

But now it was too late. I was walking with Mrs. Sloan, mother of Shay Sloan, and the only person I'd ever honestly loved, inside and out.

 _I can still tell you, though,_ I thought to myself. I wanted to get it off my chest. It felt like a weight on my heart, tugging and pulling down. I just needed you to know.

"I love you a lot, Sam… and I miss you like crazy," I admitted, giving a light, nervous laugh at the end.

I saw you smirk from the corner of my eye. "I miss you, too. We had so much fun together… Man, I'd give anything to go back to those days."

I nodded in agreement. "You're telling me…"

 _My words, they don't come out right_  
_But I'll try to say I'm happy for you_  
_I think I'm going to take that drive_  
_I want to give you something_  
_I've been wanting to give to you for years…_  
_My heart_

I didn't know what to say. You hadn't understood. I guess I just wasn't saying the right things; I wasn't making myself clear. This was harder than I'd ever imagined. Every time I tried to push the words out, something in me would hold them back, too afraid to let them loose. But I had to get this out. This could be my last chance to tell you face-to-face, heart-to-heart.

"I – I'm really happy for you, Sam," I pushed out, immediately beating myself up inside for not saying what I'd originally planned. "Really."

You looked over and set your blue eyes on me, sending a burn through my heart. "Thank you, Carly. I really appreciate that."

I smiled weakly and quickly looked away, setting my eyes back to the pavement. The sky was darkening, the sun getting lower and lower, and the shadows on the ground grew. Your big, puffy shadow had soon taken over mine to the right of us.

We walked in silence again. I was almost in disbelief at how much this had all changed. We used to be able to talk for hours on end. There wasn't a moment we weren't telling each other something. We had so much to share. And now… we didn't even have enough to break the awkward silences on this walk.

Either that, or we didn't have enough _courage_ to tell each other anything.

After what felt like an excruciatingly long time, I inhaled deeply and cleared my throat, then stopped walking. You stopped abruptly, looking at me in question. I turned to face you and forced my heart to slow down enough for me to at least breathe and talk at the same time.

"Sam…"

You raised your eyebrows, concerned. "Yeah?" I could tell you were bracing yourself for bad news. I hoped this wasn't too bad of news for you.

"Sam, there's something I've wanted to tell you for years… Er, no… Rather, there's something I've been wanting to _give_ to you for years."

"What is it, Carly?" you asked, concern shadowing your face.

My breath caught in my throat, but I forced it to go on. "My heart."

 _My heart, my pain won't cover up_  
_You left me…_  
_My heart_  
_My heart won't take this cover up_  
_You left me…_

I was almost afraid time had stopped right before my eyes. You froze, and your eyes stayed glued to mine. But they slowly grew wider, and your mouth shut tightly, your lips pursing. Your hands slowly let go of your dress, and your arms rested at your sides. I just stared back, fear in my eyes, wanting you to at least try to understand. I'd finally gotten the courage to say it, but was it the right thing to do?

Finally, you spoke weakly, "Carls…"

I looked down, ashamed now. I was sure you were done with me for good. This wasn't something you wanted to hear. I wanted to punch myself in the head for saying it. It was better left inside of me, for only me to know.

But you surprised me when you found your voice.

"I love you, Carly… As more than a best friend. I have for years. And I've always wanted to give you my heart… But I never told you… I thought you wouldn't feel the same in a thousand years. God, I wish you'd told me this sooner… I love you so much. And it's hurt so badly not to have you in my life. I invited you because I wanted to see you one last time, in case I never got to see you again…"

I forgot to breathe for a few minutes, staring at you in awe. I couldn't believe this. Now I was kicking myself for not saying something earlier. I had no idea. And now, here we were, spilling our hearts on your wedding day.

"But… you left me, Sam."

I couldn't help it. It had been eating at me since that day I watched you drive away. I had to tell you. I didn't know if you didn't realize it, or if you just ignored the fact because you knew you had to do it, but you _did_ leave me. And you left everything we had. I just wanted you to know how bad it hurt me for so many years.

After I'd watched you drive away, I felt so angry and sad and confused. I wanted to call you right then and there and scream at you. I wanted to tell you that you were leaving me behind like all those years of being best friends meant nothing. I wanted to tell you I loved you and that I couldn't breathe right without you around. I wanted to tell you how badly it hurt to watch you leave me.

But I didn't. I kept it inside. And as the years passed, the pain dulled, until it was just a bad memory and I regretted feeling all of that. I really was happy for you… I just wished I could've told you all of this sooner. But I waited too long, and now it was too late.

 _And I can't change this_  
_I can never take it back_  
_But now I can't change your mind_  
_(You left me)_

I stared into your blue eyes, and I saw the pain in them. I could tell you regretted it. And deep down, I knew it wasn't really your choice. Your mom had wanted you to go to college so bad, and you had that chance to go on a full scholarship. You were so afraid that if you didn't go to college, you'd end up like your mom, which was the last thing you wanted. It was your only chance. You had to take it. I understood that. It just hurt. I covered up my hurt for so long, but now it was finally too much. I was telling you because I couldn't just cover up my heart anymore. I couldn't pretend it wasn't there. I didn't want to hurt you, but I guess those things just happen.

"I'm sorry," was all you could choke out, your voice cracking. I could tell you were holding back tears. I had always been able to tell when you were trying not to cry – you were always too tough to cry.

I looked down, not wanting to see your eyes.

"I guess it's too late now, huh?" I said, chuckling nervously, the pain showing through that laugh.

You sighed, but didn't say anything. I know you didn't want to agree with me, but you knew I was right. We couldn't change things now.

"Well, it's alright, 'cause I know I can't change your mind now," I admitted, mustering up all my courage to look up and face you again. "You found a really great guy, and you're happily married now. You have a baby with him. I'm happy for you. I want _you_ to be happy… I'm no home wrecker, but I do wish I could change things… I understand, though. This guy must really deserve you if you married him."

You were frowning, tears pooling in your eyes. But you still held them back. I hated that I'd told you now. I wanted to take it back. It was hurting you, and I was ruining your day. I felt so ridiculously stupid.

"I wish we could change this," you whispered.

A tear rolled down my cheek. It surprised me; I didn't even know I was about to cry. But I wiped it away and put on a small smile. "No. You can have the life you always wanted now."

You just stared at me, still holding back those tears. I wanted to know how you held them back so well, because obviously I couldn't.

 _And I can't take this,_  
_I can never take this back_  
_But now I can't change your mind_  
_Can't change your mind_  
_(You left me)_

"I wish you would've gotten a hold of me. I never understood why we just lost touch," you said. "It's understandable, I guess, through college. I mean, that's when I met Ryan, and I was always preoccupied with him. And when I got pregnant, that was about the only thing that mattered to me for nine months… But still. Why didn't we at least call each other?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. But we can talk now. We can be best friends again."

"But it hurts so much, Carly…"

That was the last thing I'd wanted to hear.

 _Can't change your mind_  
_(You left me)_  
_(You left me)_  
_(You left me)_  
_(You left me)_

"Stop it, Sam," I demanded quietly. "It's too late. We can't take it back, and we can't change anything. What's done is done. Let's just put it in the past and try to let it go…"

"I can't, though," you said. "I hate this. I mean, I love my Shay, and I love Ryan, but I've always loved you so much… I can't change that. I can't let go of it. It will never be in the past, because it will always be how I feel."

I leaned on one leg uncomfortably. The hurt inside was back; just like the day you left. It burned me and scarred me, and I wanted it to go away, but I knew it would take time… Time away from you.

"I know," I said almost under my breath. "I – I feel the same way. But we have to go our separate ways. We have to get on with life. We'll let it go…"

"It hurts so bad, though, Carls…"

I shut my eyes, wincing. I wanted to take your pain away, but I didn't know how anymore. I was in love with my best friend, but she was married now. That's how it was, and it couldn't be switched now. Nothing could be taken back.

"I know," I said again, more sternly this time. "I love you, Sam, but I have to go now."

You opened your mouth to say something, but I turned around and quickly walked off. You didn't chase after me, or call out to me. You knew it was useless. You just watched me walk away. It took all of my strength not to look back, because I knew if I did, I'd end up turning back around, and I couldn't let that happen. I knew that, even if you said you'd changed your mind, that you never really would. You were married now, and that was a big decision you made. Plus, you had a baby with that guy, and that meant you had a full life ahead of you. I couldn't change your mind.

It just hurt… That's all.

 _Go away_  
_Make it go away_  
_Please…_

I walked clear back to my car, a couple of blocks away, with the sun almost completely gone at that point. I got into my car and started it, and when I moved the visor down to block the last bits of sun that were shining in my face, that picture fell out onto my lap. I picked it up and looked at it once more, then put my hand out the window and let the picture float down to the ground as I sighed. I knew I couldn't keep that picture, because it would only make the memories more vivid, and then the pain would be worse… Then I drove off. After going back to Spencer's, I left Seattle, with no intention of ever going back. I drove away from you… I drove so far away from you.

I left you.

**end.**


End file.
